Finding Zen

Silverware Jewelry

For Christmas we got The Vernster this necklace.  The seller is Rachelle and her shop is called SpoonerZ.  Her stuff rocks - she was super accomodating (as I was super picky, read: ASSPAIN) - and allowed me to customize this piece a bit.  The end result was perfect.  Now run along and go check out her goods!

Oh How I LOVE THIS BOY!

And the best looking monkey butt I ever did see...

Sitting in his high chair with his custom bib and cushion - thank you Grans. 

Athleta Bitches

Enough already.  Enough with your Seashore Hoodie, and your new floating underwire support tankinis.  I'd love to hide out from the sun and beat the late afternoon nip in the air with your Reversible Caspian Cover-Up and all, in fact it pairs perfectly with the Paisley Diamond Swim Series suits - and I can't afford either.  Enough with your Seaside Capri that I want in all 4 colors, and the lovely Ruched Racerback Tee in those fabulous gemtones.  And yes, YES!, I know the Cowgirl Straw Hat and metallic Havaianas too. Bastards.

Enough with the Plover Wedge (by Clarks) and the Pilayo Braid Headbands (I'll take all three of those), the Bodega Skirt (in Falcon, and Gem Blue), the Seamless Anjali Cami, and the Shirred Organic Cotton Cami (in all 6 colors). 

You see, the problem is - the items in my 'cart' amount to my mortgage payment.  And I can't find the Athleta Bitches category in our new budget. 

Oh, and lets talk about them bitches.  Who needs Maxim when you have Athleta catalogs?  You all suck.  Your perfectly tousled beach babe hair, and perfect abs, and long bronzed legs, and the perfect real boobs...and those yoga positions???  Gah.  Enough.  You get my husband all in a tizzy - and soon after I hear about how maybe I could get into Triathalons to?

I know I know...Spring 2010.  It's coming.  Can't wait!  Only - I will be poolside with a baby in a one piece getup from the Old Navy clearance rack.  My hair will be pulled back with a rubberband and I'll be gasping at all the ingrown hairs that have accumulated on my legs since I haven't shaved in like 18months.

Maybe if I start saving now, I could afford a headband for my birthday in August.   

Random Musings

*$603 dollars.  That's how much today's vet visit was.  Six HUNDY.  They asked me as I handed over my card 'How would you like that?' - and all I could think of was, 'With extra lube'.  But because they didn't appear to be amused when they asked me who I was there to pick up and I responded "FreeToA GoodHome?" - I let the lube comment slide.  Wrong audience.  I think they were thinking more along the lines of credit or debit.  I was thinking along the lines of 'Do I get a free Dyson Animal with that?'.  Marley has fleas and is allergic so he has chewed off like half of his ass and had to have it shaved so they could treat it.  Zack cannot build the dog run fast enough for me.  I may have lost a few of you with that last post - and I'm sure I sound like a cold heartless animal hating beyotch - but I can't help how I feel.  Deep down inside there is a special place in my heart for those dogs.  Really deep.

*I love my baby.  His skin so soft and warm and he smells like heaven upon fat rolls.  I pause almost daily soaking him in and reminding myself that I am actually HIS MOTHER.  He is MY CHILD.  Oh my god.  I am a parent.  I am parenting.  I am doing this.  And it feels so easy, and natural, and familiar to me.  It is mind blowing, really.  Because I look in the mirror and I feel like someone elses baby, not the mama.  But I am.  I am a little more ragged, a few more crows feet in the corners, a few less pounds then before - I am covered in spit up and saliva and sometimes a smear of poo...I wear my pjs around the clock most days and I can't remember the last time I wore my hair down.  And I LOVE this shit.  This is the best seat in the house people!

*I have become a bit of a neat freak.  Now that I spend more time at home than ever before - I need for it to be organized and somewhat clean.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not mopping or anything crazy like that.  I am just tidying constantly.  I have also started 'meal planning'.  SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!  Who knew how much less stress a clean house and a weekly dinner menu makes.  We had a Coming to Jesus about our finances and put together the craziest ass excel spreadsheet budget you never did saw (we're talkin' multiple worksheets), and I make grocery LISTS and we are eating our leftovers.  People I am this close to couponing. 

*Oban takes naps.  Without crying.  I just lay him down in his crib at 9, 12, and 3.  He talks to himself, rolls around, fusses for 2 minutes on occasion, then goes to sleep.  And sometimes for longer than 30 minutes!.  Which means I have that much more time to shop for Eco-Friendly, Phthalate Free, Organic, Hippy, Made in USA, toys off Amazon.  That he doesn't need/want/or give two shits about.  Because the plastic quart from the Farmers Market that once contained marinara sauce, that was probably made in China, is his favorite toy.  That and the Kleenex box.  And that shit was only like 3 whole dollars.  Probably 2 with a coupon.

*Anyone have a SHARK?? That steam mop cleaner thing?  I saw the infomercial today and I totally want one.  Okay so maybe I want to do a little mopping.

I had a baby, and now I hate my dog(s)

It started when I got pregnant but I figured it was just the hormones.  It seemed every day into my pregnancy the dogs became more and more annoying.  Their mere existence.  I should preface this all by saying I have a bit of a sound and smell sensitivity.  Repetitous noises make me batty.  They can be happening right next to me, or down the street.  It doesn't matter how loud it is, it just has to be happening over and over and over and over, again.  This is not a good sensitivity to have when you live with dogs and babies.

For example:  ass munching, licking of hair, swallowing saliva/licking chops, scratching, hacking, high pitched whining (our dog Zoe does this, omg makes me mental), the sound their toenails make as they desparately try to get traction on our hardwood floors when they RACE in or out of the house (its even louder in the kitchen on the faux hardwood floors.  nails on plastic = awesome, NOT), and farting.

Once I began to envision our life with a child in the house I immediately started obsessing about all the ways the dogs were going to become the bane of my existence.  My friend Kat came to visit me when I was about 7 months pregnant last summer and I was stressing over getting the house clean that day - I had just finished swiffering dog hair around the family room when a tumbleweed-sized hairball came blowing out from underneath the couch.  And I lost it.  I went into my bedroom, and cried in my down comforter.  I was pregnant, hormonal, and wanted the dogs to run away.  Permanently.

I had hoped the feeling would become a little less intense after I had Oban.  Mmm, not so much.  Here we are 7 months later and I still feel like I'm living with a pair of stanky ass vagrant squatters that won't freaking leave ALREADY!  I dream of the day when I no longer have to sweep hair 5 times a day, and deal with a dog who wont stay in the yard and visits apartment complex dumpsters and eats animal carcass that turns into diarrhea ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE in the middle of the night for like 5 WHOLE DAYS.  The day when I don't have to worry about Oban's pacifers rolling around in dog hair as they bounce across the floor, when my furniture, the car seat, our clothes, Oban's clothes, his crib sheets,  my mouth, his mouth, the fabric of my life - isn't covered in god damned animal fur!

Every single day I find one of the dogs pacing the house salivating all over the place - needing to puke.  They eat grass, and dirt, and god knows what else.  One has a leaky bladder and pees in her sleep, the other farts so much I am constantly yelling at him to leave the room.  He gags me.

They smell, they shed, and puke, track in dirt, and bark, and whine, and wake the baby up.  Jerks.  I am tired of cleaning up dog messes.  I am turning into one of those people whose yelling at animal/child/spouse etc.. is more annoying than the actual animal/child/spouse etc.  Hell, I'm annoying myself.  It's gotten to the point where when 5 o'clock rolls around and they start getting all Animal Farm around here because dinner time is at 6 and they want to be sure we don't forget - I'm all like 'GAHHHHHHH you have to EAT?'.  I do not like dogs, Sam-I-Am.  I do not like them ONE BIT.

Marley will be 11 this year, and Zoe 10.  Marley's days are probably numbered at this point, and Zoe will live to 27 - just to piss me off.  I know I will be sad to lose either...but honestly?  We've all had a good run. 

I know I'm horrible.  Whatever.  Just keepin it fo real.