There should be a screening process for people who want to make toasts at a wedding. The requirements should be that you have your speech in writing and it has been approved by both bride and groom, AND you have to blow a breathalizer at AT LEAST below 2 x's the legal limit. Because there are no such rules, I am probably now forever blacklisted from all weddings.
Instead of the nobel prize winning speech i might have given, had I thought about toasting BEFORE several captain and sevens, had I taken a few sober moments to articulate my very serious and admirable thoughts towards these two individuals, i might just have a mailbox full of speech requests right now. No, no no...INSTEAD of impressing a room full of people, my fiance, best friend...their parents, and friends and families...with poise and grace....it was all I could do to tune out the gentlemen behind me yelling "QUIT WHILE YOUR AHEAD!". Oh yes. Once again, I was 'that girl'.
I minced words, mentioned something about how we had dated twins together in college making it sound as though we had shared one...brought up my fathers death a year ago (no relevance), pointed at Finance trying to make a joke about how I was glad to see he hadn't fled the dining hall in complete embarrassment yet (to which he had moments before been enjoying what little anonymity he had blending in among the crowds)...cried as I tried to switch gears from playing comedian to making sure to say something deep and profound and SERIOUS..very SERIOUS...I dodged tomatoes left and right and with every pause in my microphone the crowd drew heavy applause hoping I was finished...BUT OH NO...and the bride and groom kept shooting me gestures as though to say 'really we've heard quite enough!'. Oh god. At what point had I lost any and all sense to keep my mouth shut. And why, oh why...is this such a hard thing for me to do??
I am declaring right now. I have a problem. My poor fiance can't even 'relax' when we are out at a party because he's so friggin petrified that SOMEONE (that would be me) isn't in control of any given situation. That he will surely have to rescue me from complete irrevocable embarrassment. This is very sad. So we decided the solution was one of two things...I either A) learn to keep my mouth shut when I drink (and to be honest this is something i need to learn regardless of if alcohol is involved)....or B) drink less when I do drink. Unfortunately , while A would seem like the no brain-er, I just don't trust myself. SOOOOOOOOO, I think I have to give up drinking to get drunk altogether. Which doesn't happen too often...but when it does, it is without a doubt EPIC.
CLEARLY someone who didn't know me handed me that mic. No one I know in their right mind would allow me a working microphone if their life depended on it. T&A, I promise I will be on my best behavior in October. And Finance and I have already decided that I should stick to sparkling grape juice for our own wedding.
Recent Comments