My POS Volvo is in the shop because it didn't pass the Emissions Test. So not only am I late on paying my taxes and getting my tags renewed, I had to find someone to look at the POS that wouldn't charge me 5 gazillion dollars to reset a check engine light that god forbid ever indicate a REAL problem. Since the car is no longer under warranty Ill be damned if I allow anyone from Volvo to touch it. They'll charge you 400 dollars for a 'courtesy wash' and trick you into signing away your first born. They make me feel dirty.
I will never own another Volvo in my lifetime. I don't care what everyone says. 2 days after I bought the car the flipping TRANSMISSION had to be replaced. The car had only 28k miles on it. WTF? I should have listened when my step father tried to bribe me by offering to pay my down payment if id just go test drive a 'nice new saturn'. I thought 'oh hell no, I want bells and whistles...leather...and a volvo keychain. damnit.' I didn't care if it had a rotting corpse in the trunk, I was hell bent on gettin' me one of them fancy cars. A Saturn?? PSsahhhhhh. Shaaaaaa. As if? Saturn's were for 17 year old honor roll students! And I am professional! In Atlanta Georgia. Working for Ted Turner. And I refused to buy a Saturn. Or a Corrolla, or a Civic...or god forbid anything I could REALLY afford. I had not the foresight to realize that to drive 'luxary' you have to be able to afford to MAINTAIN it when the warranty runs out. And let me tell you something. Volvo aint cheap. And they conveniently require special brands and products. You can't put anything generic in a volvo! The 500 dollar brake pads wear by the time you get home from the body shop--you can actually SEE IT too...your hubcaps turn black from all the brake dust. Fucking crap.
Now my man..he drives a real car. I hate to admit it...but those damn hippies know about fuel economy and bang for your buck. His OUTBACK (the Washington State Car...kinda like the bird and the flower....), is da bomb. And his mom's outback which is a few years newer and reflective of Suburu's attempt to market to the yuppies of the world with more volvo'esque bells and whistles, is even pimper. It drives like butta. Im surprised they don't come with car seats, a canoe and matching his and her mountain bikes on a roof rack. It also happens to be the rock climbers dream off road vehicle. It drives through anything. And most importantly, it provides me with the slightest bit of anti-anxiety comfort for times when we find ourselves flirting alongside mountain cliffs and driving through terrential downpour behind 18 wheelers (or is it 16?...12?...)on the interstate going 80mph. I still need the xanax. And yes, thanks to my more seasoned depressed and anxious friends, I've been informed how special I should feel that the doctor gave me FOOTBALLS! The telephone coversation went something like this:
ME: So I just got out of the Dr.s office and he has increased my Xanax to 1mg. I told him the .25's hardly make me blink. And when I reach for the Xanax, because its THAT bad, I don't want to remember SWALLOWING.
Friend: He gave you THE FOOTBALLS?
ME: Huh? What the fuck are The FOOTBALLS?
Friend: You don't know what the Footballs are?
ME: Are we talking about Xanax here? Is this some black market lingo I don't know? Please explain this to me, you're freaking me out. What the hell have they given me? Am I going to die?
Friend: Yes, THE FOOTBALLS. The pills, they are shaped like footballs! Please DO NOT TAKE THE whole FOOTBALL without supervision. By the way...how many did he give you?
ME: Like 30 pills and 20 refills.
Friend: Shut the fuck up. So uhh...my Extended release, really hasn't been doing the job. Think I could buy some of your Footballs?
ME: Does this mean I'm a drug dealer? I don't think I can handle this kind of pressure.
So I guess I must have impressed the doctor when I told him the valiums he gave me for the plane trip to Montana didn't work. He said 'That Diazepam didn't do ANYTHING for you?'. I am THAT STRESSED OUT PEOPLE. I can't even let the meds chill me out. Apparently these Footballs are like the sacred mana of the Gods or something. And they've given them to ME. See what I am talking about? We are all going to hell.
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