Work Poop Etiquette

Disclaimer:  The following post contains a lot of discussion about POOP.  If you are at all squemish or disgusted by bathroom humor, please do yourself a favor and move on to the next blog.

Should I be concerned that my brain is OVERLOADED with commentary MOST often when I have my pants around my ankles?  Every day I struggle to find a significant moment, occurence, or freak incident that may potentially be 'blog worthy'...yet, without fail, everytime I close that bathroom door and sit down for a moment to myself devoid of mental distractions...I am overwhelmed with writing material.  For example...

This morning I had the thought, is there not some kind of unwritten, unspoken, workplace bathroom etiquette?  This came to me as I took the 4th stall and caught the most offensive stench of shit coming from the lady in the SECOND STALL who was there before me.  Now...you probably won't find someone MORE sympathetic to AM post-coffee shits (my ass literally quivers when coffee hits my lips...I am lucky if I can make it thru my coffee without that very urgent moment where my intenstines SUDDENLY AND URGENTLY (did i mention urgent?) deliver what feels like 2 weeks worth of digestion straight to my umm...err...ASSSSSSSsphincter.  (and for the record I am not entirely comfortable with this word..hence the addition of assssssss..makes it a little easier for me to read) BUT, I suppose I had always assumed a few basic rules. 

The first being, that you DO NOT TAKE A SHIT IN THE STALLS CLOSEST TO THE ENTRANCE AREA.  I mean COME ON PEOPLE???  Take YOUR SHIT (literally) to the back of the room...this means, stalls 4, and 5.  There is a reason why they put the handicapp stalls in the back...its to give you and everyone else adequate breathing room to SHIT.  Secondly, I realize you have to shit.  But I don't want to hear it or smell it.  So when I shit, I wait---and I can't tell you how many times I have made 4/5 visits to the bathroom in a stand off with others in order to achieve my sacred 2 mins of ALONE TIME...to shit HAND ON FLUSHER for instant flush.  That way if you have to smell my shit, at least its just the memory of my shit, and not my fresh shit.  I was appauled that this woman was shitting whilst i was two doors down.  I think it might be time to schedule a OFFICE SHITTING ETTIQUETTE meeting here on the 6th floor. 

It just pisses me off.  I work VERY HARD under VERY UNCOMFORTABLE circumstances for my alone time.  And its not easy people.  When you share a bathroom with 100+ people...you can imagine how frustrated I have been waiting for the bathroom door to close and the last person to leave...only to furiously shit and flush before the next person arrives.  Just the other day I was in there WAITING....in pain....sweating....staring underneath my stall to get my 'alls clear', while this woman had to friggin REDO HER GODDAMN MAKEUP.  I think she plucked...waxed...hell she may have even given herself a facial...thats how long it took her to FUCKING LEAVE!!!  I was so close to yelling out in desparation (this is one of those moments I was talking to you about the other day where i wish I had the balls to say what i really wanted to say...and then maybe i would get what i wanted more often)...'DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT I AM SITTING HERE WAITING FOR YOU TO LEAVE?  HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED THAT I HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE IN SILENCE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT SHIFTING MY FEET ON OCCASION FOR 20 MINS.  PLEASE  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THATS HOLY LEAVE ME TO SHIT IN PEACE BEFORE MY ASS EXPLODES!'.