Shit Happens

And sometimes, all it takes is a sneeze, or a cough...or a....(well you know where this one's going).

Due to the graphic nature of the following post, I am warning you now there will be talk of vile nasty things.  If you like to believe in your perfect world that pretty girls don't fart, shit, vomit, or get diarrhea, EDGE, please move on to your next blog.  This is not for you.  (And really, I just don't want to hear about how 'gross' I am, because until you have JUST experienced what I have experienced...THEN AND ONLY THEN do you have the right to say SHIT to me about JACK.  Umkay?)

I wrote these words in a journal, lying in my bed Wednesday after I had been visited for 12 hours by body snatching aliens. 

'The aliens came for me today.  My body was not my own.  Do you remember the last time your body challenged your ass's ability to stay shut while vomiting furiously into the toilet?  If you have ever in your life had to make the critical choice of whether you would rather A) shat, or B) vomit on yourself, because you can't do BOTH into the toilet at the same time...you remember.  There seriously was a moment I considered just lying face down in the bathtub.

When I was 7 years old I had my first true taste of this sick joke.  The ASS/VOMIT battle for porcelain.  A sick, sick, result of a stomach/intestinal virus.  Now let me tell you people.  It is one thing to have your MOTHER clean up after you.  Thankfully while I haven't had this experience since then, there was no way in hell I'd be having the same man who just the other day witnessed me in some very sexy thigh high leather boots -- clean up my shit (which THANK GOD never actually happened) off the floor.  Ironically, weren't we just discussing this whole 'would you clean up after me if I shat myself' talk??  I must have brought it on myself...

Last night around 4am the first wave came sending me in a sprint to the guest bathroom.  For the next 12 hours it went a little something like this.

Rinse.  Lather.  Repeat.  No wait, I must be delirious...silly me, it was...

Shit. Vomit. Sleep for an hour.  Repeat.

Sometimes all overlapping one another.

There is something incredibly disturbing about the sensation of peeing from your ASS.  BUT IT HAPPENS GOD DAMMIT, so don't sit there acting like you have no idea what the fuck I am talking about. 

This is not what nature had intended. 

I am lying in bed, writing for my blog, experiencing a hell of some funk, thinking to myself 'if this shit (pun intended) happens to me in India, or in the middle of BFE Patagonia, I will seriously want to DIE.'

Well I survived.  And the reason why I am compelled to tell you about this in the first place is because SHITTY LIFE EXPERIENCES should be shared.  And I had THE SHITTIEST 12 HOURS OF MY LIFE just now...and this is my blog, and I'll say what I want to say.  I can say with confidence, that Finance, has officially see me at my WORST. 

I would not wish Alien Abduction upon my worst enemy.  It's no joke people.  No joke at all...

Edge.  Are you still with us?

**In other news, I used Finance's deodorant this morning because I was out of mine, and I totally think I'm going to puke.

***I had ANOTHER dream about Jessica Simpson last night.  She was in distress and I was helping her out.  Her boobs were huge.  What could this mean???

Comments

[Chase]

I refuse to laugh at this because of what karma dealt me last time I laughed at Mandajuice's stomach problems.

But I can SAY it was a really funny (and unfortunate) post, right?

[TC]

That whole shit & vomit thing became a way of life when I lived in Mexico.

The fastest case was a friend of ours, who, before even finishing her meal in a hotel restaurant, was seen hurrying to the bathroom in a buttock-clenched sprint.

And let me tell you, it's damned hard to sprint with the 'ole buttocks in a clench-type condition...

[Kristen]

Dude. That sucks. I can feel your pain. I hope you're better soon.

[al]

Dear future world traveler...shit happens :) Take lots of supplies!!!

[TB]

Oh man, it sucks. It really does. Once I got the sensation of something bubbling and brewing inside of me while driving on a remote country road and had to jump out of my car and take care of business in a muddy snow filled ditch, no toilet paper for miles around. Your assumptions are correct, it blew the big one.
If you can get your hands on some Pedialyte, I promise it will make you feel a little better.

[Melissa]

I had this exact conversation over dinner last night. About uncontrollable dairrhea and how people who think girls don't poop are idiots.

Dang, girl. I hope you're over it now!

[David Thorough]

Ooohohohooo! Peeing out of our ass is disturbing, but in a strangely satisfying way. Like, o.k. ~ that was a drag... but that sure wasn't your average, everyday crap. As far as puking and shitting simultaneously, the last time that happened to me was during a party in my college dorm. I blacked out in a stall while taking a dump... and barfed down the front of myself. Fortunately someone took a polaroid that made the rounds for a month or so. :-/ To this day I wonder if it is buried in a land fill or tucked away in a trunk somewhere. Glad you feel better enough to write, and hope that means you are back to normal.

[stella]

thanks for sharing that lovely story david.

and oddly enough....it doesn't phase me the slightest to read about you taking a 'dump'.

splendid.

so help me god if i have to shit like that on the side of the road somewhere without TP during our trip. HOLY. FUCK.

and al. thank you for your comment. i will now be hijacking your slogan to use for my POST title for today. grassy-ass.

[lysie6211]

LOL! Holy shit! (hahaha) I'm sorry hope you feel better soon. Did you eat something bad or what?

[jen]

I call that "throwin' & goin'". And in a Sophie's Choice situation like that, you give your bum the thrown and you pull the wastebasket forward.

I hope you are feeling better. And hey, if you were looking to drop a few of The Pill pounds (you mentioned in a #of posts, personally I think you're a rail), I'm sure you've done so now.

[jen]

also, i have had dream of w/ the cast of Friends in them. And MAYBE even Nick Lachey (should really write the shit down, cuz I do recall my dream in the a.m.) No idea why.

[stella]

oh dude. you have no idea. you are so right on. now i know the way to lose 5 pounds in 2 days.

and you couldn't pay me to go thru that again.

im a WAIF! i had my first piece of protein (CRACK FILA, IM SCARED!!!) today. its been gatorade for the last 48 hours. But I think this deodorant is about to do me in...

[Todd Elliott]

I've never shat and vomited, but it sounds like fun! I've felt nauseaous whilst shitting though. Whilst shitting, I like that.

But poo coming out like pee? Yeah, been there done that. I had to get a Barium Enema, and the day before I had to drink nothing but water, and flush everything out. Man, it was disgusting. I had to poo all day, but it was just brown water.

Hope that doesn't scare you too much.

[Edge]

I made it all the way through, quite the price to pay for the Jessica Simpson visual.
I'm a more sensitive stronger stomached man for reading the entire post, I think.
I skipped the HDT comment though.

[stella]

way to hunker down Edge! you're such a trooper!!!

[David Thorough]

Sorry to have "bummed" everyone out, but I guess I thougtht the gloves were off after "peeing from your ASS" was thrown down. What can I say, that was the only time I experienced... what the whole blog was about! Anyhow, I'll risk a less offensive try.

Drafting off Todd, I had to do the berium enema thing once and the process required me to perform a couple of over the counter enemas on myself before going in for the procedure. So help me God, it said "WARNING: Enemas may become habit forming" on the side of the box!

[AndreaDetroit]

Found your blog from links on other blogs I read. I have to say I've really enjoyed all your posts and photos. Hope you feel better and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that nothing like this happens on your adventure of a lifetime :D

[stella]

As Vern often reminds me, I humor myself way too much to pass up an opportunity to open up a dialogue amongst fellow bloggers about Enemas and AW.

that last comment david really scares me. (i laughed out loud for a moment) and you can rest assured your blatant honesty and use of words such as, 'dump' are always welcome at Finding Zen.

[the weirdgirl]

MY favorite is the peeing from your ass that BURNS! I just recently experienced this for the first time. After describing it hesitantly to my husband he said, "Oh yeah. That's when the bile is coming out." Poor guy, I guess he has experienced this more than once.

[Liz]

I think when given the choice, I'd shit in the toilet and puke on the floor. And yes, I have experienced ass piss before. It ain't pleasant. Never had to go through it for 12 hours straight. Was it something you ate?

[Ceece]

my husbands in the military and he says that the totally liquid poo is called "Brown Foaming Ass Piss' by the other soldier men-folk.

saaa-weet.