Hi My Name is Stella McBarfy

Disclaimer:  This is not a post soliciting advice about how I should feel about my soon to be husbands choice of pre nuptial male fraterniziation.  Been there done that.  This is merely a rant of my general feelings towards men and their obsession with all things relating to tits and ass.  I also challenge any man (that would be you my dear toddy) who says to me 'boobs in my face aren't my 'sort of thing'.'   I call bullshit.  I've never in my life known a heterosexual penis that would turn down a pair of hooters in his face.  Sorry, but I don't buy it.  I also think the whole 'well my buds set it up, I had nothing to do with it, and therefore since it wasn't my idea...and i don't want to look like a pussy (or god forbid appear pussy-whipped)...' blah blah blah.  I also think is a load of well, spooge.

I might have been better off not hearing this morning's talk show.  Now I'm feeling all barfy. 

So all week my morning radio crew has been hyping up this morning's show about The Real Truth behind Bachelor Parties.  Oh joy.  One of my favorite topics.  They wanted to dispel all the anxiety for lots of women surrounding the shindig by having people call in, primarily strippers, to paint an accurate picture of how it really goes.  The men had expected that the majority of callers would call in to say that most strip club parties, and private parties are harmless.

But the show backfired, when all the calls they received from Atlanta strippers gave them more information than they were prepared to hear.  Apparently the 'real story', about VIP rooms, and hired strippers, was exactly all that 'we' (as in women who aren't comfortable with the idea of their grooms going to strip clubs or having strippers hired for them) had feared.  And then some.  Thank you very FUCKING much.

Call after call.  Even men were calling in and the show hosts would ask them, 'What percentage of bachelor parties that you have been to where there were strippers, did 'the bachelor' or any of the groomsman partake in inappropriate behavior?.'  To be more specific...behavior they would not have dreamed of had their wives/girlfriends/fiances been there as well.  One guy was asked 'Of the last 10 bachelor parties you have been to, how many of them did something 'innapropriate' happen?'.  He said 9.  Sweet!

The strippers were flooding the lines, all saying the exact same thing.  In summary, here is what I learned from the very nice Strippers of Atlanta:

1) the 'main room' of a strip club is relatively harmless.

2) most men like to perpetuate this myth, that bouncers are constantly monitoring VIP rooms.  according to the Strippers of Atlanta...all is fair game in a VIP room.  according to the Strippers of Atlanta...its all about the money.  They will bob on your knob and if you have the right 'many' dollars, you might even get to play 'hide the pickle'!  After all, the bouncers only come in every so....20 minutes...plenty of time to shizzle your nizzle.

3) private parties with strippers are even worse.  there are no 20 minute bouncer pop ins.  Almost every stripper that called in was asked 'Have you ever had sex with someone at the party?'.  Do you wanna guess what the answer was?

Then the men started calling in and telling all.  It wasn't pretty.  More barfiness.

Men.  Do you have ANYTHING to say for yourselves?  I just want to hear one good bachelor party story.   Tell me about how you went golfing and got shit faced at the bar (sans strippers) with your buds.  Tell me about the football game you attended or the horseshoe competition you had??  Tell me about the fun you and the boys had at the day spa?  Please?  I wanna hear about the good clean fun you had to celebrate having found your soul mate that you are getting ready to marry and share the rest of your life with. 

Because honestly.  I'm looking for those rose tinted glasses, and I just can't find them...