Piss Happens

Well we all know that Shit Happens, and happened quite aggressively to me a few days ago when I got abducted by body snatching aliens.  But did you know that PISS HAPPENS too?

Sure it does.  Let me explain.

I never walk my dog.  I am a horrible horrible dog mother.  If Ceasar Milan ever came to my home, and saw how cracked out my dog Marley is, he would spank me.  Finance threatens to call Ceasar Milan on me all the time.  Anyway.  I never walk my dog because he is 70lbs of brute strength that practically nuts himself out of sheer excitement to be outside.   He becomes so overwhelmed by stimulus that he combusts and morphs into this erratic cracked out freak.  Darting left and right, he sprays piss all over the place, he shits excessively and in the middle of the sidewalk while walking....he's just a mess.  I can't take him anywhere. 

Now I know the solution to this problem is the problem itself.  'The walk' is such a miserable experience for me, I don't do it.  I know, I know....I don't want to hear it.

So.  The other day I decided to go for a run.  Well, clearly I can't take Marley for a run, so I took Zoe.  The good dog.  Finance's dog.  Big surprise.  She was perfect.  We got to the park in the neighborhood and there was a little concert going on.  Zoe and I took a seat and within 5 mins a dog approached her and she turned into Cujo.  She does that.  Zoe is not the social butterfly.  And I don't entirely trust her.  I thought to myself 'Maybe I will go home and get Marley and bring him here.  He is so good with kids and plays well with other dogs...'. 

So I ran home and dropped Zoe off and picked up Marley.  I was a bit anxious, but excited, I had felt badly that he couldn't come in the first place, and I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get him out.  I changed sweaty clothes and grabbed a cider from the fridge.  It was late afternoon and I figured me and my bud could just go 'chill in the park', listen to some good tunes and hang.  I put on a cute little tank top, some jeans, and my new Keen sandals (they are heaven).  I looked cute.  Dammit.

Out the door, beer (if you can call it that) in one hand, Marley in the other threatening to drag me down the street.  I fought with him all the way to the park, naturally....and we got to a place where I could sit down on this step and relax.  Listen to the music.  Good times.  Eh?

Yes, good times, until suddenly I am feeling incredible WARMTH against my back.  Yes...warmth, and wet.  And I turn around and my dog is pissing on me.  And entirely too much time had elapsed for me to realize what was going on before my entire back is covered in dog piss.  My beer got sprayed...everything.  Piss running down around my butt where I was sitting.  People are staring at me in complete shock.  I can only imagine how many people had sat there and watched me being peed on before I finally caught on.  Brilliant.

Game over.  Well.  That was fun.  I cried all the way home to Finance on the cell phone about how much 'I hate him!!!'. 

This is why I need Ceasar Milan.

Comments

[jen]

I love animals...to a point. And this would be one of those points.

I would be pissed (heh) he ruined a perfectly good cute outfit and a chill afternoon in the park.

[N]

Karma - for all of those walks you didn't take him on, for all of the time you didn't spend with him, for all of the neglect - he peed on you. Call it even. Remember if you don't want him, we will gladly take him, giant balls and all. I love, love, love that dog!

[Chase]

Oh my god! HAHAHAHAH!!

Oh, you poor thing. I can't imagine!! Oh, how I wish I were sitting 2 rows behind you that day. *sigh* Poor Stella. (Still laughing - sorry)

[Hill]

Um, okay. (ahem. sniff. composing self after fit of roaring laughter.)

Can I get a "HELL YEAH?!?!?!"

I think Cannon is about to fall just a little bit more in love with your dog...

[kat]

he's pissed (no pun intended) about the big changes in your lives and he was just expressing himself. can you blame him?

i so needed a good laugh this morning, THANK YOU MARLEY. you will not be pissing on me when you move here. that will be lesson #1. :)

[Melissa]

I think he was just claiming you as his - marking his territory and all that. I've seen it happen numerous times to my former clients (I used to work with dogs). There was even a woman whose Golden Retriever would hump her leg anytime she came near another dog.

[Jessica]

Oh.My.God.
I think Marley needs some serious obedience classes. Or something.

[Mathias]

I don't think I have ever heard a girl use the phrase practically nuts himself out of sheer excitement to be outside.

LOL

[Viki]

That was HILARIOUS! Well told story. And I hear you on the dog neglect thing. I've got three of them, and I love them all dearly, but walking them is a nightmare. I let them out in the backyard and stand on the back porch while smoking a cigarette and yell "Run around! Run around!" They usually just stand and stare at me like I am the moron that they know I am.

Then they come inside and piss on the corner of my bed. I deserve every smelly stain.

[jess]

Oh. That. Is. The. Best.

He was just marking you as his territory, Stella. You should be flattered.

And still, I can't stop laughing.

[Barnze]

Your right Piss does happen!

[zero]

HAHAHHA thats hilarious!

I really like your site!

, if you wanna do a link swap lemme know zero AT zerodaymoney.com

[Todd Elliott]

That's great. I babysat a dog once that would piss every time you opened the door.

We've also had our cat spray us before. Not fun, cause cat spray smells like piss and spooge.

[stella]

don't talk to me about cat spray.

the first and last cat i ever had would ONLY shit in the bathtub and sprayed me out of my bedroom. i slept in the family room on a futon for a year. bastard.

[Jodes]

HOLY SHIT!!! I mean PISS!!! you poor girl!!!!

[Latoya]

Sorry to hear about you being pissed on. The dog sounds like he needs some serious discipline and TLC. I suggest you hire someone to walk him and then that way he'll be a bit calmer when you do take him out. Him peeing on you is a sign that he believes he is above you - well, according to the books that I've read.
I'm glad that I came across your blog.

[Kerri]

Very funny story--I passed it on to my boyfriend who thinks he is Ceasar Milan.

Kerri

[stella]

kerri.

oh tell me about it!!! Finance walks around the house doing that damn 'chhh' 'chhhh' thing. he swares he Ceasar too.

[Dice]

Chick dogs only for me JUST BECAUSE OF THIS. Damn boys lift their legs on everything. Damn. By the way, do you really want Cesar?

[stella]

yes. i want cesar (have i been spelling it wrong?). but not until we get back from our travels. we'll likely end up in Salt Lake City....isn't he in California?

I can only imagine he is UBER expensive. Why?

tell me you know him. so help me....

[Dice]

He is in CA, LA actually. From what I understand, he does not charge for visits he does for the show, though some people who hire him OK filming without knowing this....
I don't know if they go too far outside the LA area but I can do some checking around.
You know he is going to tell you to walk the damn dog. What's he going to say when he comes back for the return visit and the dog pees on him?

[Liz]

HAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA!!! Now that's funny! How's your cute outfit doing? Did it recover?