There are a myriad of discoveries in that first year two people try to negotiate their needs while learning to make sacrifice in order to share a life together. It is the stretching phase. It is always interesting, as you forge from one relationship to the next, to experience the range of buttons that are pushed, some familiar, and some you never knew existed.
I will never forget Finance and I's first major impasse in our relationship. We had been dating for a few months and we spent most of the time at my condo that I shared with 2 other roommates. One night we had decided to go do some grocery shopping. Standard operating procedure right? Wrong.
Who would have ever thought a trip to the grocery store could be so epic. What had started out as an exciting adventure with my new boyfriend, a sign that clearly we were on our way to domesticated bliss, turned into a warning that perhaps we just weren't going to be right for eachother. I mean, if you can't even agree on WHITE BREAD, surely the relationship isn't going to work.
2 aisles into the trip we were headed for doom. We couldn't agree on the budget. He couldn't understand why I 'needed' to have grapes AND strawberries, while I didn't understand the word 'need' at all as it related to a grocery list. I had always bought my groceries according to how I was feeling at the moment (big surprise). He had always bought groceries according to a highly edited, carefully examined, list of things negotiated prior to getting to the store. I was an emotional shopper, if I wanted Ben and Jerry's, GOD DAMMIT, I was going to have Ben and Jerry's. Budget wasn't a part of my vocabulary. Sacrifice? Sacrifice WHAT? I didn't want to hear about how if I got the Ben and Jerry's that meant I had to put away the sandwich meat?? What are YOU TALKING about??? And speaking of sandwich meat, I KNOW you didn't just put a pound of PREPACKAGED PUBLIX BRAND ham in my cart?
This went on aisle after aisle. We would confidently throw items in the cart, while the other would stare in complete and utter shock and confusion waiting for the right moment to delicately challenge eachothers selections. I practically choked when he put that meat in my cart because I knew we were going to have serious problems if he expected me to eat that crap. I carefully explained that 1/4 inch slices of meat floating in spoodge for God knows how long was NOT OKAY with me. That 'my mom always bought SHAVED, fresh, deli meat for us growing up' and it was just what I had to have.
He would go on to explain how ridiculous it is to pay that much money for something you can get for a fraction of the cost. Suddenly we were in a full fledged argument about quality over cost, and well you know, quality is always relative - and as for 'cost', until Finance - I had never had to make a decision in my life because of cost. I also had about 8,000 dollars in credit card debt to show for it. Wanna guess how much debt he carried?
He wanted Skippy, I wanted Peter Pan. He always went for the store brand stuff, I wanted the NAMES I grew up with. He could care less about discounted meat, I had a serious phobia of all things prepackaged. He kept a running tally of every item in the cart and asked me how much each thing was, while I didn't give a shit. Every time I'd throw something in the cart he would pick it back up, look at it, and then ask while pointing at the store brand on the shelf that was a whole 25 cents cheaper 'now, what's wrong with THIS one?'. While I would think to myself 'What's wrong with this one? I'll tell you what's wrong with this one.....ITS FUCKING CRAP...and I don't want it, so back off my grocery list DUDE. I don't have to explain shit to you.'. I felt so violated.
We pulled into the parking lot back at my condo and I parked the car. We sat there in the dark in complete silence. I felt naked. For the first time in our 'warm fuzzy' relationship I felt like I really didn't know this dude sitting next to me. What was supposed to have been FUN and romantic (yes, women are weird like this) and exciting was a horrible horrible experience I never wanted to have again. I think for a moment sitting there in that car we were both having second thoughts about our relationship. The trip to the grocery store seemed like a huge reflection of how different we were.
It amazed me how personal grocery shopping really is. You never think of it, until someone challenges you on why you consume the things you consume. Merging two peoples very different grocery lists and shopping styles...is HARD. We decided that night in the car that we would never again set foot in a grocery store together. It was seriously cramping our mojo, baby. That we would need to designate one person to do the shopping and we would negotiate a list ahead of time. The 'rule' became that as long as the item made it on the 'list', it was legit. No late adds. I was down with that. But I'd be damned if I had to sacrifice my Boars Head.
It has worked ever since, for the most part, and now on occasion we even can go together. But we try not to push our luck, because it is REALLY REALLY HARD for either of us to keep our mouth shut, and by nature, we just approach 'spending' so differently it doesn't take much for us to find ourselves knee deep in a fight over bananas.
Thank god the boy can't stand mayonnaise. Because had he put some Miracle Whip in my shopping cart that night, we probably wouldn't be together today.
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