You are sitting around the family room enjoying some after dinner conversation and/or an episode of West Wing. All is well in the world, until the dog sitting at your feet begins gnawing on itself. You know that doggy thing they do when they've got an itch or something is bothering them, usually around the anal or bosack region (of course I understand this...i mean it happens to us all!) and the furious chewing/licking/snorting thing happens. And it's incessant. A minute has passed and it's all you hear, and your eyes are darting around the room just waiting for someone to be equally annoyed, someone to feel your pain and tell the dog to quit it...for the love! But no one is bothered. You can barely stand it. It is like nails on the chalkboard. You're nostrils begin to flare and your heart rate goes up and while everyone is talking about Rob Lowe all you can think of is MAKING. IT. STOP. NOW.
I love dogs. I really do. I have one infact. But there is nothing in the world that drives me more insane than when dogs incessantly lick/chew/and gnaw at their nether regions. I can't even stand it when they just swallow. You know when they just sort of lick air and their mouths over and over and over and over again? wtf is that?
(TANGENT 1)
You are bringing your new boyfriend home to meet your parents for the first time for a weekend visit. on the long drive there, your very Buddhist minded boyfriend tells you about a great new book he has read about the Bible. Later that night at dinner, during a moment of silence, you jump at the opportunity to stimulate conversation between your new boyfriend and your very Jewish step-father (who keeps a kosher home) by commenting:
'well, boyfriend is quite interested in religion as a matter of fact. he was just telling me in the car about some great new book he has read. what was it sweetie you were telling me...that the books of the bible are in the wrong order??' GO!
And then you sit back thinking you have just done your part to help everyone 'get to know oneanother'. Bad goes to worse and you are wondering what the hell you have just done, as your mother is downing another glass of wine...surely thinking the same. you then count your blessings that your new boyfriend years later is able to laugh about this unfortunate showing of your inability to let a moment of silence go by.
Do you remember that song by Depeche Mode 'Enjoy the Silence'. It always made me a little gassy.
(TANGENT 2)
The night my parents met Finance's parents was a complete disaster. I morphed into some crazy woman. Seriously. It was ugly. And it all ended with me in the bar of the restaurant crying contemplating walking home. I will have to tell you about it sometime. Maybe tomorrow. I think all three of them (Mr. Buck, Vern, and Finance, considered breaking up with me after that episode.) I was borderline Republican. Very ugly folks. We are all hoping the next time (wedding) we are all together, I am able to remember who the fuck I am.
Hasta La Pasta.
