Say Hello To My Little Friend

Dear Friends.

You are looking at a photograph of someones 'outtie' belly button I ripped off the net.  You are also observing the likeness of the hemorrhoid that is occupying my asshole right now.  WTF?  HELLO!

I got me a husband and a hemorrhoid the other day.  I seemed to have missed the memo about the potential dangers of lifting very heavy rocks for three days straight to build a rock wall that would accent the new barn for the wedding.

I woke up the day after the wedding thinking that Zack had ass-assaulted me on our wedding night...and I had just forgotten.  Upon denial of such acts, and further investigation of my ass...I discovered what resembles a lotus flower...a jelly belly...an ASS BLOSSOM if you will...on my bum.

Now.  There is just something about seeing your 'insides' OUT, that just isn't right.  Last night I joined my family and a few close friends (sister in law who has birthed two babies) and you wouldn't believe the look of awe on their faces as we had 'show and tell' in the bathroom...as no one, myself included, REALLY knew what a hemorrhoid looks like.

So.  I challenge you.  GOOGLE that shit.  And get to know the wrath of your ass...because they don't show you that crap in the Preparation H cream commercial...and now you will see why.  I am too young for this shit.

I can't even talk about wedding things yet.  Soon though.  Pardon me while I go sit on a fudge pop.

Love,

S 

Comments

[Jayne]

Wow. I came here expecting to catch a glimse of wedded bliss but no such luck. . . Good luck with your ass my dear (and post some pretty pictures soon to make up for this!) And I am NOT googling anything thank you very much.

[mamatulip]

OMG. Dave had one of those and he thought he was DYING. So sorry to hear about your ass-blossom, love.

[Jennie]

Now that I've met you, I can post a comment! Maybe what you have are those Pin Worms we were talking about the other night instead of hemorrhoids. I think you should get some tape and a flashlight and have another look.

[Chase]

Holy shit, it's good to have you back, Stella. Even just a smidgen of your daily life is a blessing to us all - despite that smidgen involves the words "wrath of your ass".

[kat]

I have said hello to Stella's little friend.

I really don't know what else to say...except I had a fabulous time! Not looking at her little friend, but at the wedding.

(Got in safely and just got home. My plane was delayed so that's why I didn't call when I landed. I'll call you soon.)

[kim]

well, congrats on the husband. not so much on the ass-blossom. also, this was not what i expected the first post-wedding-post to be like i guess and i hope to not see that picture up there when i open the page for very much longer. so get off your fudge pop and give us the wedding-stories! prettyplease... :)

[AinH]

Dude. I show up looking for wedding details and I get lured into Googling "hemorrhoid pictures". You're evil :). Where are the pretty pictures of the happy couple?? That's the image I want to see.

[kim]

OMG I JUST DID IT. I GOOGLED IT. why, OH WHY? *shudders*

[Todd Elliott]

Congrats on the wedding, we want pictures! (not of the wedding night). And please, oh please, don't take a picture of the hemorrhoid. And who the hell decided how to spell hemorrhoid anyways? It makes no sense.

[Jessica]

Oh crap, if you got roids from lifting rocks I am sure to get them from pushing out a baby. Wonderful.
I hope you had a wonderful wedding. I want to see a picture!

[marnie]

And here I thought I was going to "say hello" to a wedding ring, Lazaro, or something much more pleasant!! Hahah.

Unfortunately I am very familiar with the hemmies. Advice: just shove it back in and carry on with your bizness... and try to forget you just shoved your innards back up your ass.

Ahem!

CONGRATS ON THE WEDDING!! I AM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH WAITING FOR PICTURES!! Sorry for yelling. I missed you.

[TB]

Oh man that sucks. As someone who has suffered lifelong problems in that area I know of whence you speak with the wrath. Do you have one of those donut pillows yet?

Waiting (not so) patiently for the wedding update :o)

[jen]

Only you, Stella, only you.

cannot wait to see the pcitures and hear about the wedding.

Congratulations!!

[kat]

Thought I'd let you all know that I've posted some pictures on my blog, although I'm sure they won't be as good as the ones that Stella gets around to posting eventually.

[Nolegirl Melissa]

Okay, I usually just read and laugh but this time I had to post something!

Well, now that you are in the club, let me fill you in on the life changing experience that is giving birth to your wonderful, loving hubby's offspring: when I was having Gunnar (33 1/2 hours of labor -- yes, I said 33 1/2 hours of labor), I really thought my child was coming out my ass. I kept saying "I think he's coming out of my ass!" over and over again. See in all the books they tell you that 'it will feel like you are having a bowel movement' during labor(...if you have a bowel movement like that, you need a doctor ASAP).

The Hubby, doula, and nurses were all trying their hardest not to laugh but I saw their faces...bastards, every one of them! Oh, and since my little guy got stuck and gave me a monstorous tear...I have had "problems" every since. I have the actual paper that says -- and I quote -- "large internal and external hemorroids are present" -- WTF??? They are on the inside AND the outside...no wonder they don't tell you this shit before its too late.

So, I can empathize with your situation. You will probably have the same enjoyable experience of (literally) blowing out your ass that I did when I was trying to push my son out...its a good thing he was really cute or someone would have paid dearly.

All I can tell you is this: go, right now, to the closest drug store -- go into the pharmacy, ass supplies section, and get yourself the industrial size container of witch hazel pads. Use at every opportunity. Repeat as needed.

[Melissa]

Oh, Stella, Stella, Stella...what would a girl do without you?

It's great to have you back, even if it is you + 1.

Congrats to you and Z - I was thinking about you on your big day!

[Lysie]

Congrats on the wedding. Too bad about your ass. Hope it feels better soon.

[TB]

I just got a peek of the pictures from Kat's flickr site. You looked gorgeous and the wedding looked like a dream come true. What a stunning location. So happy for you and I hope your ass is feeling better.

[JMo]

Sorry about the bum. The rocks may have pushed you over the edge but the ADD / anxiety doesn't help - I'm afraid I know oh too well...

Congrats on the wedding! Where in Montana were you? I saw that same sunset last weekend from Seeley Lake.

[Edge]

Why am I not surprised...........
A stella by any other name........

[Texas Cinderella]

I can't stop laughing...and yes I've been there before too! Mine creeps up at the most inopportune times!

[elle]

I dont know what to say. really. speechless. completely. good times. you should have got it a wee cumberbund (sp?) for the wedding

[Seamus Anthony]

speak to me ... urrrghhh ...

[stella]

jennie. need we REALLY rehash the whole PINWORM thing? i think brian scarred those poor boys for life. they will be checking their bumholes in the middle of the night with flashlights for the rest of their lives.

haaaaa.

seamus. i speaketh.

missy. good god ive heard about those donut things. im very scared of them. and now, very scared to have children... considering it is probably a sure thing i will blow out my ass then.

good god.

[james duke]

this is the most hilarious thing i've read on the net in months...i've got three words for you...
Americane Hemorrhoidal Ointment

ENJOY, ISN'T REAL LIFE BEAUTIFUL.

[james duke]

this is the most hilarious thing i've read on the net in months...i've got three words for you...
Americane Hemorrhoidal Ointment

ENJOY, ISN'T REAL LIFE BEAUTIFUL.