How Not To Land A Job

Welcome to my world of phone interviews.  It goes a little something like this: 

“So STELLA, what are you looking for?”

“Well, I’m looking for something a little more up my alley, ya know”

“Ahh, yes.  I see.  And what exactly is ‘up your alley’?”

“Something more creative.  Yeah.”

“Right.  Okay.  Tell me a little bit more about that.”

“You know, something that lets me be more creative.  Like with layout, and colors, and writing, and stuff.”

“Alllllllllright.”

“Oh, and something that pays lots of money!  I want to be a manager.  But not a manager of people.  More like, a manager of information...yeah.  I want creative control and lots of money.  I got skills and qualifications.  I’m a communicator.  I have a blog. My wedding was in Modern Bride?  I knit real good. I want babies.”

“Well that’s just GRIIIIITE Stella.  We will review your information and get back to you when we are closer to a decision.  THANKS!”

Are you seeing my dilemma?

Comments

[andrea]

Yeah, I would like to go to an interview and say I would like to work as an attorney but without all the law stuff. And yeah, I want to be paid an attorney's salary. Can we work that out? Sadly, I don't think that will happen to me.

By any chance did you say you also liked shiny things?

[Amy]

Oh, how I love this one. Please fast forward five months and you will hear:

Yeah, hi, I'm Amy and I don't actually know anything. Despite having just worked for 11 months straight in nutty urban hospitals I don't actually know how to, well, just about anything you would expect me to know. Oh, and I would like to make lots and lots of money. I would like to make about two time more than the top limit of what you would ever consider paying me. Even when I am at home, totally not doing anything besides lusting over cashmere body suits.

[Karen]

You definitely need more practice asking for what you don't want.

[Yo]

i would like to sit in a room in front of a huge window overlooking a lake and trees and some kind of green hills. i would like to write. something. i don't even know what.

you know, stuff. can i write stuff? and you pay me? sometimes i won't write stuff. i'll nap. and you pay me for that, too.

[stella]

Yo. EXACTOMUNDO!
Karen. Ya don't say...
Amy. Ummm, methinks you may have more of them "QUALS" & "SKILLZ". You'll be FINE!!!
Andrea. Ha! YES!

[kat]

i would have commented sooner, but every time i visit my web browser decides to shut down. what kind of virus are you trying to give me?

anyway, don't have much advice on the phone interview. you should do lots of non-profit volunteer work to build a little portfolio for yourself.

or just get knocked up and skip the whole career thing.

[kristen]

i've always found the phone interview to be really weird, especially the pauses.

[Mrs. G.]

You forgot to mention that you wanted six weeks of vacation and an office with a window.

[Nin]

Gah, phone interviews, HATE THEM HATE THEM. I come up with similar responses, except mine are far less articulate ;)