Finding Zen

McCain or Vaginas? Your Pick.

Okay fine, I'll pick.  Lets talk vaginas.  Much more interesting - less angry.  But just a warning, this is not for the faint of heart.  If you are pregnant, or may become pregnant, suffer from any arrhythmia's, or that cheeseburger you had for lunch hasn't quite been sitting well this afternoon....go no further.

I didn't get pregnant again last month.  I am on cycle number 9.  Let me just say this right now.  If Miley Cyrus gets pregs before I do, I will be really pissed off.  And god help us ALL if Samantha Ronsen gets Lindsey Lohan knocked up. 

The other day at my acupuncture appt, my Dr. suggested that next time I come in we do a detox. I figured this would be more herbs. But on my way out she showed me a pamphlet of how this 'detox' was going to work. It is a BALL. A vagi-ball if you will. A little pearl. And you stick it up in there right by the cervix (la la la - jury is still out on who will actually be getting that pearl up there: I tortured my husband for 6 whole months some years back by making him insert my Nuvaring and then fish it out a month later...because I was too weak to do it myself. I'm that geeked out by my vaginal walls. And just for the record, the Nuvaring - is the Antichrist. I know I said The Foley was the Antichrist, but I lied.)

So this ball thing goes up there and its full of herbs. It has special kung-fu powers.  And a particular eu de. One that is supposed to draw out all the dirty dirty from your uterus. Odor-Eaters? Which she says will be BLACK and smell like a dead baby seal carcass (well she didn't say that specifically, but its the impression I got). I immediately thought of those nasty things they show you in the print ads for colon and other digestive cleanses. Those big long tape-worm-looking things?? The ones people actually arrange on their toilet seats and then take photos of, like they've just caught their first 15-pound grouper? Google it.

Those ones. So whatever...I'm down. I figure, I could stand do lose any extra baggage I may be carrying in my trunk. Maybe this will help baby feel more welcome? Who knows. I'm not asking if I should do it - I have complete trust in my lady. 

What I really want to know is - has anyone done this?  What am I getting myself into? 

Dear Wikipedia

I searched all night long for the definition I have come to know (as of last evening), most appropriate for the word:  ASSHOLE.

You've got it pretty good.  I especially enjoy the section dedicated to Similar Compounds To Ass.

But might I suggest, in light of last nights Final Presidential Debate, that you give credit where credit is due. 

Surely John McCain deserves a 'big-up' here?  I will be contacting Dictionary.com later this afternoon for edits to their Arrogant (and therefore Cavalier, Condescending and Self-Important), Temperamental, and Brazen categories.

Sincerely,

Worried in Atlanta that the American people elect such a blatant ASSHOLE to mend our wounds from the last, more naive and unassuming, ASSHOLE.

Seriously (aka: srsly? in Land O' Conception) - do you REALLY want John McCain's finger next to the red button? 

*ETA (another thing I picked up in the LOC):  I haven't decided if I am more frightened of John McCain or all the people claiming last night was his 'Best Performance'. 

Acupuncture For Fertility

A few months ago my gyno recommended a laprascopy to check my tubes for blockage and any endometriosis, and that I begin taking the fertility drug Clomid.  But as it has only been 8 months - we decided to take an 'alternative' route.

In the last month I have been under the care of a TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) practioner.  I go once, sometimes twice a week.  I take herbs daily.  They are supposed to be taken as tea - but I can't do it - gives me horrid flashbacks of that one summer I helped a friend muck stalls in Montana - (oh you mean you don't know what urine soaked fermenting hay smells like?).   Let me help you.  LIKE ASS.  And I can't drink 12 ounces of ass a day.  I can't even drink 2 ounces of that ass a day.  So I buy capsules and spend about 2 hours once a week, packing them with these herbs.  This amounts to roughly 50 pills a day.

I also take 5 fish oil pills, a prenatal vitamin, and 2-4 enzyme pills my nutrtionist gave me for digestion.  All-in-all, I am a pill popping machine.  I burp lots - but hey, I'm well supplemented!

I really have enjoyed my acupuncture sessions.  I get electric stimulation directed to points around my ovaries and a heat lamp to 'cook em'.  She places several in my ears, inner wrists, tops of my feet, lower legs and some on my head.  The ones in my abdomen (about 8) always give me the giggles.  The ones in my wrists, which are apparently connected to anxiety, sometimes bruise me...and almost always send sharp shooting pain in that area.  The ones in the ears - which are the central areas of focus in acupuncture (and the only area treated for fertility patients in France - so my dr. says) - hurt like a mother. 

Overall, the pain is very tolerable.  Its always piercing, yet over quickly.  I lay in the dark for 30+minutes and relax.  Which if you don't know me, could qualify as the 8th Wonder of the World.

When its over I get dressed and check out - and always feel like I'm leaving the tanning salon without a tan. 

I really believe in this treatment, and intend to continue with this acupuncture as regularly as we can afford for me to do so.  I have been sleeping better, felt more energized througout the day, and overall - feel less anxious.  Acupuncture is supposed to help open channels of communication in the body - and good communication between certain organs are essential in producing the right equation for a viable fertilized egg.  Since babies don't like xanex, I figure this is a win-win for everyone! 

I'm working on my channelz yo.  I'm Finding My Zen.