Finding Zen

How To Relate to the Freak In Your Life Who Can't Get Pregs

The following are some examples of things you should not say to your friend who got the lemon ovaries and can't find her sales receipt.  Never.  Ever.  Just know, you are not being helpful - you are making it worse.

1.  You should just enjoy this time you have with your husband.

Really?  Because I've been enjoying him for the last 5 years.  I'm good.

2.  You have no idea how good you have it, now. 

Really?  Because I'm pretty sure that I'm a MISERABLE and PSYCHOTIC testing, obsessing, temperature taking BEYOTCH who gives all of her People magazine money to a chinese woman who stabs her on a weekly basis - right - now.

3.  It will happen.  I just know it will!

Really?  Are you psychic?  Shut up.  Please.

4.  You just need to relax.  As soon as you quit worrying about it, is when it will happen.  I have this friend, BECKY!, who tried for like 20 years, and then she stopped trying (insert: was getting ready for IVF, went bankrupt, quit having sex, ran a marathon, smoked some crack, gained 20lbs, whatever have you) - and wouldn't ya know, she got pregnant!

I really just want to punch you in the face, because I'm stuck on the audacity of you suggesting I 'relax'.  The rest was Peanuts.  I might excuse a remark like this if you don't have kids.  If you do have kids - then you are just an asshole.

For the record, I'm happy to hear that Becky finally got her crack baby, but since we're being honest, I don't care.

Some alternate suggestions:

1.  Want to do a Jegger bomb?

2.  Macy's is having a buy one pair of shoes get the second FREE sale!

3.  I have some really good bud. (I don't even smoke, but this sounds compelling)

and if all else fails...a simple, and sincere...

4.  I'm sorry.  Will do just fine.

Umpa

Until about 3 years ago, I swore I was 5 foot 6 inches tall.  I believed this to be true.  And outside of being asked for the information for my drivers license, I never thought much of it. 

One afternoon I was out shopping with a friend and somehow our heights came up.  I made mention that I was 5'6" and she thought this was hysterical.  Because she was a bonifide 5'6" and looking down at me.  So boo-ya, I was a bit destroyed for the rest of the day.  We decided I was probably more like 5'5" ish.  Whatever.

The other day I was at Home Depot with Vern.  At the checkout they have those rulers to check how much lumber you are getting - so for kicks I went and stood by it - and asked LITTLE Vernie to tell me how tall I was.  You know what she said?

5'3"

5'3"!  I am 5 fucking 3 inches SHORT.  So I am either shrinking, or in denial.  Or both.  But heres the even shittier newsflash.  I've gained 7 pounds in the last few months.  7 pounds!  So I am 7 pounds heavier and 3 inches shorter - and I'm still not pregnant.  Now thats just fucked up.

Do you know how hard it is to keep The Muffin-Top in a pair of low-rise skinny jeans without getting Camel Toe?  The two most humiliating female fashion faux-pas - like ever.  It's becoming a bit of a sport...a really unnattractive juggling of adjustments and over-adjustments.  Im having a moment. 

The moment where a women realizes it may be time to go UP a size.  And thats never a good moment.  The kind that compels one to consider the possibility of a better, more comfortable life for her Muffin - in elastic pants. 

An Update Post

For inquiring minds who want to know...

I took the vag-pearl and nothing happened.  No baby seals.  No spoodge.  No funk.  It was extremely disappointing.  I spotted for a few days - nothing to write home about.  Nothing to arrange on my toilet seat for an innocent google search - gone terribly bad.

Had I paid for it - I'd have asked for my money back.  It was that anticlimactic.

I did however purchase, for 8 Canadian dollars, an online baby prediction.  I figure I'm to the point of this journey, where I should rely on the ability of psychics who - get this - can channel information about your future solely on the energy of an email address and a 'paypal receipt'.  Who am I to doubt in the technological advancements of the Spirit World?

My reading came back, and wouldn't ya know - November is my month!  I can rest now.  Chochee22 says so.  (My psychics name has been changed - to protect her identity.  You know, just in case.  I'm not even tryin' to start some shit.)

In other related news, I think maybe there are 'spirits' in our house.  Ever since we've lived here, I have felt a presence in the middle of the night in our room.  It wakes me - and I lay there and swear I see things in the shadows.  I have this sensation that I am dying or have moved-on to a different place.  That my husbands body has been 'taken' by someone else.  That I'm not alone.  Its VERY STRANGE.  And I can't put my finger on it.  It happens almost every other night.  It scares the shit out of me.  But I'm getting used to it.  I've never thought much of that sort of thing - but lately, for some reason, my mind has been wandering 'there'.

Maybe I see dead people.  Which is fine and all - but I really just want to see babies right now.

Also - I totally got kicked out of a certain mothering community forum.  Can you believe it?  Meh.  I suppose not everyone can appreciate my honesty.  This just means you get to hear more about vajayjay.  MERRY CHRISTMAS!