Finding Zen

Please Pass the Cow

Today I am 12.5 weeks pregnant. 

Still feeling shitty-ish.  The nausea is beginning to let up, however the gas is really out of control.  I was a burper before, but really - you wouldn't want to take me to the Country Club for brunch these days.  All I want is cow.  Cow milk, cow cheese, beef...the whole enchilada.  With sour cream.  I think this may be part of the gas problem.

I am on a steady diet of mac and cheese, egg salad, BLT's, ham and cheese, burgers, fried chicken, hard boiled eggs, deviled eggs, eggs over medium (whites cooked yolks runny - yet THEY fuck it up EVERY TIME!) ranch dressing, chicken burritos (with sour cream and cheese), cheese-steaks (with mayo),and the occasional L'eggo my eggo (Buttermilk of course).   I might have had an apple last week (with peanut butter).

So actually, it looks as though I really need a chicken AND a cow.  And are we noticing a gas inducing trend?

DAIRY + EGGAPALOOZA 2009 = ASSAPALOOZA 2009!

I do what I have to do.  Actually, this isn't much of a stretch for me.  The difference is I am eating these types of meals every 30 minutes.  So to say I feel bloated and uncomfortable most days, would be putting it lightly.  I am half human, half cow.  Not much stands in the way of me and a gallon of Farmers Market Grass-Fed Whole Milk.  Hell I could take it straight from the teat at this point.

I haven't worked out in almost 9 weeks.  Between the farting, burping, and general 'abdominal discomfort' of growing a baby and digesting half the Publix dairy aisle, sexy left the building a looooong time ago.  My husband, oddly, didn't get the memo.  The slightest graze of my skin draws out this rabid vomitous two-headed pit viper - and YET this does little to discourage him.  We're all very primal around here these days.  Very, every man for himself. 

Although, something tells me I don't know shit about primal till I've had the experience of 8+lbs of love child hanging out my Venus Fly Trap. 

Where were we?

Cow...chicken...gas....total loss of libido...ummmm, oh - you want a picture of my cow baby?  Here you go.  From 6wks to 12wks.  My little bump.  Only guess what?  Its not baby bump - its only like the size of a large Cheeto.  Its not even uterus bump.  Its INTESTINES.  I saw it on the poster at my midwife appointment on Monday.  Totally intestines getting all jimmied up in my abdomen.  Love it.

   

   

You Put the Lime in the Coconut

At this point we have a lime in the coconut.  Excuse me.  A lime in MY coconut.  There is no we in this.  You want to know how I feel?

Like a 13yr-old binge-eating narcolept.  Since I came off birth control almost 2 years ago I have had to deal with break-outs I'd never had even as an adolescent.  It has only gotten worse with pregnancy, and there are days I have that primal urge to just run off into the woods and be alone in my sorry state.

No one really wants to hear a pregnant lady complain.  ESPECIALLY not one who took 12 long and painful months and spent thousands of dollars in 'alternative therapies' to concieve.  That then makes me an ungrateful beyotch.  I am acutely aware now in my long journey to get here, how many others will continue to endure month after month of failure.  Its a mixed bag - to say the least. This isn't the fun part and I am most certainly not glowing.  I am both grateful to be pregnant and not to have the extreme morning sickness that many seem to get.  I have become a blob of my former self.

I eat.  ALL THE TIME.  I am tired.  I am nauseas practically all day every day.  I don't want to be touched.  I don't want to be loved on, breathed on, or even looked at in any way remotely sexual or with affection.  All I think about is the next meal.  I froze my gym membership because the moment my boobs begin to sway from any level of activity I want to hurl.  But I can't.  Hurl.  It just doesn't happen.  There are times when I'm right on the edge...waiting, ready for it - and nothing.  It just never comes.  I am tired and sluggish, and generally feel pretty unattractive.  I feel bloated constantly, because all I do is eat and lounge.

So. In summary:  pimply - vomitous - and engourged. 

I have never felt particularly 'maternal'.  I love babies (and dogs), but only until they begin screaming (or licking) and then I sort of feel homicidal.  I have never really been able to relate to small children, don't know how to speak their language...and usually just wind up feeling as though I'm in a really uncomfortable interview.  I am having many thoughts about what kind of mom I'll be already, none of which fill me with a whole lot of confidence.  But I have a great support system and I know I will do my best. 

Seeing this life inside me during my first midwife appointment, was pretty magical.  I can hardly describe it, but it was amazing.  I am hanging to the hope and belief, that if what I feel when my child is born is THAT feeling multiplied - the world must really shift a little bit, changing your life forever.