The way I see it, there are three kinds of people. There are Fighters. There are Whiners. And there are those who simply Can't Be Bothered. I'd say for the most part I am a borderline Whining Fighter. I don't fight out of instinct, for thrill, or for satisfaction. I fight mainly because someone has promised me goods or services in exchange for my torture and bravery. Or because I don't have a choice.
My husband is a bonifide Fighter - the ultimate Grab Life By The Ballsack kinda guy. Not a moment is wasted. He believes in himself and his ability and is always searching the limits of his physical and mental strength. Because he LOVES THAT SHIT. He is the perfect type for childbirth, and its really a shame we can't just turn this project over to him at this point.
Babies have been eeking their way out of vaginas for, like, ever. Long before the invention of hospitals, epidurals, The Bradley Method, birthing balls, and 'Birth Plans'. It's amazing, the female body doesn't need any help at all to do what it was created to do. Make and produce life. Wow. Very cool. Except I do have to say that Kangaroos really suck, because that whole vagina-to-infant ratio thing is all wrong. Maybe if Eve hadn't eaten the god damned apple we'd have a pouch for our two inch babies to drag themselves to. Now I could totally decline the epidural for that. I try not to take this too personally, but Nat Geo had to rub it in my face the other night in their In The Womb series. SEE? Already nursing...little bastard.
Shit. Ain't. Right.
So there is no doubt in my mind that I can do it. But I can do lots of things! I choose not to do most of them though - and instead do pleasant things that help me relax, like knit and drink margaritas. Low impact sort of things. Things that have the greatest return for the least amount of energy exerted, type deals. I love those. And on occasion a deal I can't pass up comes along - like 'Hey sweetie, if you have our baby, I'll buy you a Tempurpedic mattress?', and I have to go get myself all knocked up. Only, it didn't really happen like that. I think it was more like 'I'll have the kid, but you have to buy me a Tempurpedic. King sized'.
So here I am. My birth plan is sort of like this:
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I don't want pain
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I don't want to be paralyzed for any reason
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I don't want anything larger than a 2-inch Joey coming out of my love sponge
Do you see the predicament? This is a remarkably lose-lose plan. I have come to the conclusion that there are few medical interventions in labor that don't beget yet another intervention (pitocin, forceps, vacuum extraction, episiotomies, c-sections, epidurals, blah blah blah). And while the end result of a healthy baby OUT may be had via many delivery scenarios, the path of least resistance in this case (that wonderful well-worn familiar path!) - may not be the one I truly desire. I am also very aware that the end result of healthy baby OUT in anyones case may REQUIRE one of those interventions. But lets be honest, they mostly are NOT. Because were that the case, we would have died off thousands of years ago without the help of hospitals.
My internal struggle in the mental preparation, is exactly HOW do I overcome the labor crux without begging for any of the above? It will be my instinct. I'm not a Fighter. And a borderline Whiney Fighter just ain't gonna cut it. I don't think that a non-medicated birth will make me a bad ass, or any more of a mother. I'm not intending to prove a point or take a stand. I just don't roll like that. But I do enjoy the idea of giving it a go. I can't help but agree with everything that I have read, that my body is completely and totally capable of this one thing. All by itself. With no help. So why not try? Which is my intention.
To attempt an unmedicated - no intervention - birth. But here is the thing. There WILL come a moment of truth. One that will have to be overcome, and possibly multiple times, in order to get there. A moment of perseverance and determination unlike any other I have ever met. And how do I push through that? When every square inch of my body and mind will be desperate for relief I KNOW I can have.
There is no other moment in my life I can draw strength from because its not in my character to stick things out. Hold on. Be patient. Uncomfortable - if I don't HAVE to. I don't trust myself. I don't have a clue about what's in store for me.
So how does the Whiner Fighter have an unmedicated birth? Because I do not fear birth. I know that baby will get OUT somehow or another, and the odds are fairly good that we will both be just fine. I joke more than anything about being afraid mainly because the logistics are just ridiculous! It is truly a remarkable event. I'm not afraid I won't be able to have a baby. I'm afraid that the panic and anxiety in me that I know so well - will beat my efforts to the punch long before I ever have a chance to know what I could have accomplished on my own.
*Updated to add. I am getting a doula. I have read the Bradley Method book, I have read Birthing From Within (and skipped the art stuff, because srlsly? i'm not into 'woo'), I have read Ina Mays, I am going to the most midwife-friendly-natural-birth-promoting hospital Atlanta has to offer where I will have the option of a waterbirth, I am planning to explore Hypnobirthing classes - and YET, none of these ducks I'm arranging are really helping to make me feel more confident in my ability to refuse drugs when I WILL want them.
I don't feel the need to have it all figured out. I don't feel the need to even have a 'birth plan'. I'm not interested in setting expectations for myself that I may not have any control over. This is just my exploration right now. What 'tactic', or technique, or practice will help to empower me with the belief that I can trust myself to do this without assistance? What a journey...
