Finding Zen

36 Weeks

Holy shit!

 

It Could Mean Something, or Nothing

Warning.  Pregnancy may cause:

Incessant nausea, horking, weight loss, and general misery (ahem...Amy)

Heartburn, indigestion, and regirge - mmm! Whats for dinner!?

Swelling - Got Cankles?

Back pain, belly pain, uterus pain, round ligament pain, sciatic pain, pubic pain, cervical pain, hip pain, crampy pain, pain of the thigh, boob, vag, and most certainly...pain in the ass.

Leg cramps.  Think calf muscle skrunk to the size of a walnut - pain.  Wake you up in the middle of the night like someone just filleted your soul, kind of pain.

Burping, random solo hiccups, bad gas.

Frequent urination.  Urination like its your only function and purpose in life.  A 24-hour, 9 month long, 'broken your seal at the keg party' without the buzz or the hangover.  Just piss.  And really REALLY foul smelling piss if you happened to have massive quantities of asparagus for dinner.  It's not worth it.

Belly Boner.  This is just annoying.

Loss of appetite, loss of sex drive, loss of patience, intelligence, control of emotions, good judgment, fiscal responsibility, bladder, and sadly - loss of portion control.

Want to kabob your domestic animals syndrome.  When the clump of hair (or in my case - the ENDLESS STREAM OF BLACK AND WHITE AND GREY AND BROWN NASTY ASS DIRT LADEN OILY LITTLE FUCKER PORCUPINE STRANDS OF CANINE DETRITUS) on your floor, becomes the reoccurring nightmare you envision of your child's beautiful precious drooling face as a Swifter.  The little dog ought to sleep with one eye opened.

Ever heard of Swamp Ass?  Swamp Ass is what you get after 4hrs on a road trip in the middle of August during a heat wave, in a car with leather seats (this distinction is important) when your AC is broke.  Or when you are pregnant.  Only, its more like Swamp Cooter Ass.  Ass by association.  It will make you do crazy (see poor judgment above) things like, going commando - while wearing a skirt - to your desk job - at CHURCH - for easy access over the 1960s AC unit when no one is looking.  Jesus loves pregnant people with Swamp Cooter too - so don't be a hater.

Bone grinding, baby punkinhead-on-pelvis discomfort.  Pressure, pain, and general misery associated with 5+lbs of head solely supported by one mighty vagina.

***How could I have forgotten...ROIDS.  The butt kind.  Not the so you can knock em out the ballpark kind.  Restless Leg (thanks mignon), shortness of breath, and heartburn.

Of all these pregnancy ails...I've really had it easy.  Swamp Cooter and a scoach of bedtime reflux have really been the worst of this journey so far.  So easy in fact - that I fear it is either an indication of a really easy labor ahead, OR - that I'm about ready to have my ass handed to me.

I'm rootin for 'Atlanta woman accidentally delivers child on Bruester's Ice Cream picnic bench.'  That would suit me just fine.

34 Weeks

 

 

Not much change here...but certainly feeling larger.  I'm rockin' it at about 140lbs now.  22lbs of baby junk.  Good times.  My braxton hicks contractions are getting more and more uncomfortable.  When I get them at night and attempt to move during them, it hurts.  Not in a crampy sort of way...in a pulled muscle sorta way.  It's awesome - not.  6 weeks to margarita baby.  I cannot wait to meet this dude whose middle name will either be Cooper, or Alexander.  The first name is still undecided - but we are fairly confident at birth he will give us some indication of which of the two kick ass names we've pre-selected that he prefers. 

Anyone want to make some birth date/weight predictions???  My due date is September 26th.  I was approx 7lbs and heavy change born right around 40wks.  Zack was late 41wks+ (is this right Vern?) and thus had the opportunity to hauss it out to 10lbs and change.

Whatcha got?

Not Really

So I'm in the grocery store waiting in line at the deli or something.  Suddenly the baby starts acting up - moving around all ninja-like.  I have been really focused on his positioning in the last few weeks and so I begin to prod and poke trying to manually nunge him in the direction I want him to be in.  People around me are becoming interested and excited as they see the various arms and legs poking about my large belly.  The next thing I know...I've basically just pulled him out.  Right there in the pasta aisle.  No blood, no pain, no placenta or umbilical cord, no fuss...it was just like the baby kangaroo!  I pick him up and toss him on my hip where he sits contentedly.  He is clean and fresh, and quite sturdy for a pre-term baby.  I'd say hes already about 9lbs.  As I walk through the grocery store with this child on my hip I suddenly realize that he is much too early...he's not done cooking yet.  I frantically head for the bathroom and to a stall so I can put him back.  (Apparently I suddenly feel the need for privacy? - I've just pulled a baby out of the love sponge on aisle 10 at Publix!)

We're almost in the stall and he is beginning to wheeze a little.  I wonder 'Oh shit, his lungs must not be fully developed!  Must.  Get.  Back.  IN THERE!'  It occurs to me that for the last 10mins hes been breathing air - so will he be okay when I return him to his world of amniotic fluid?  I get in the bathroom and just shove him up there (easy peasy!).  He's not happy about this.  He works his way back up into my womb and we spend the next few minutes trying to palpate his head back downwards where it belongs.  I straighten my skirt, wash my hands, and away I go to finish my grocery shopping.

And then I woke up.  For the record, I do not support Unassisted Grocery Store Births.  HELLO WEIRD!!!

Whoa Nelly. The 32wk Dinner Plate Report.

I am 32wks and 3days pregnant.  On the whole, I feel pretty darn good.  I will say though, I had no idea ones areolas could get so large.  Is this so the baby knows where to focus?  My friend Amy has been inquiring for months now 'Have your Kenyan nipples come in'?  Girlfriend, I could host a tea party on them.  My husband has no shortage of commentary on this phenomena. 

I suspect we are both gaining a fair bit of weight these days and that scares me.  The bigger I get the smaller that exit gets, and that is a bit of a conundrum.  Reflux has rolled in - mainly at night (the joys!).  Honestly?  I haven't been posting all that much because I really feel great.  This pregnancy has been relatively 'drama free'.  Imagine that.  Don't worry, I fully expect The Birth to be no less than Epic.

I can't believe it will come out of me.  This child.  It boggles my mind daily.  A human being coming out of my body.  And when it does, and we get it home...and its sleeping like a precious little precious precious...and our animals go apeshit because they think someone is breaking into their house (as they do no less than 5 times a day) - I am going to drop them off on a farm somewhere.  For good.  They'll adapt.

Here are your photo updates.  Getting bigger...oh my.