I just want to say how much I appreciate all your stories and kind words of encouragement these past few challenging weeks. Thank you. Since getting pregnant, and even more so since having Oban - I notice there are several new readers. And some of you who have been following for some time, but have only just recently commented. If you are a reader and have a blog - please email me at findingzen@rocketmail.com or leave a link in the comments, so I can add you to my list and swing by to say 'hi' when I have the time.
Oban is now 6wks old. Here we have the good, the bad, and the ugly:
The Good:
I am happy to report, there is GOOD - and figure I should tell you about it amidst all this talk of nipple carnage and flinging parasitic newborns. I don't want to get so engrossed in the daily challenges and general fatigue that I forget to appreciate the awesomeness that is watching this child grow and engage in his new world.
He is smiling now several times a day. They are sweet yummy little grins that make your heart melt. His head still smells better than a snickerdoodle. His armpits and the folds in his neck? Not so much. I give him massages daily and can't get enough of all the peach fuzz covering his little arms. He especially enjoys a good foot rub. He is starting to enjoy being in the water and I love to watch the comfort of the warmth sink in and settle his face. Night time is getting better - and most nights he goes down on his Boppy pillow in our bed - without much of a fight. He'll sleep one long stretch of maybe 4hrs and then in 2 and 3 hr increments. No more 2hr long scream fests. There is a God. During the day when he's not feeding or sleeping he is very content and engaging. I savor these moments - they are better than homemade banana pudding, and thats saying a lot.
The Bad:
He is very gassy and I hate it for him. It makes some of our feeding sessions extremely frustrating. He writhes and wiggles and attempts gator rolls on my lap all the while stretching my nipple into a spaghetti noodle. I have tried Mylicon and Gripe Water and they don't seem to help much. And no - I'm not cutting out dairy or caffeine...or onions, chocolate, wheat, nuts, etc etc. I see no correlation to anything in my diet and his gas pains and am of the opinion that his little digestive system just needs to mature. And it has gotten better with time. He no longer projectile vomits and doesn't spit up as often as he did in the first month.
The Ugly:
I am still struggling with the anger feelings. I have held and touched and had moments of trying to quiet him where the energy was BAD BAD BAD. And I hate it, and I know its wrong, and I feel immense guilt. It's always at night or in the early morning hours when he refuses to sleep and I am SO TIRED, and I just don't want to deal. Every day I work at this - coaching myself into a calmer state - turning him over to Zack when I feel I cannot manage to soothe him without anger. I have never hurt him nor do I worry that I might one day, but the bit of intensity that does come across to him when I get to end of my rope is completely unnecessary. I don't know how single mothers do it. I wonder if Ceasar Milan could help?
I am desparate for breastfeeding to get better. We are no longer having to use the bionic nipples, however - there is a gaping hole in my nipple that won't go away. In addition both nips are so tender and sore, and they burn/sting to have anything touch them (I suspect thrush...but we'll see - Oban has no signs of it. And yes - I've tried and am using the ever famous APNO! ;-). I want to cry when I have to pick him up and have him on my chest. There is milk EVERYWHERE in my attempt to expose them to air as much as possible. I leak constantly. There are milk droplets all over this house. I sleep in milk. I wake up in milk. There is no end to the amount of laundry this produces...but thats really beside the point.
I want to be able to look at my husband and not dread the thought of ever being intimate with him because OMFG(Becky) - my boobs have been hammered with the spiky end of a meat tenderizer, dowsed in alcohol, salted, and hung out to dry in the Arctic. I want to sleep on my side or stomach without pain, pick up and feed my son without pain, and hug my husband - without pain. I want to be able to workout without having to wear pads that make my boobs sweat, which makes my nips wet - which makes for a miserable stingy/painful workout. I see how people choose to bottle feed. It totally kicks your ass if it doesn't come easy.
So there you have it. I love this baby - he is so incredibly delicious I can't imagine anything more perfect. But it is hard, tiring, trying work. I can only hope to keep some perspective about this journey so that I don't miss anything I'll regret having not paid attention to in the future. Because each day is a blessing - and I am eternally grateful for his life, in ours.
