Finding Zen

The Chunkmeister

Don't be fooled.  This was about 10seconds before he went postal on me.  
 

I'm No Superwoman - Part II

The more I read about the process of childbirth, the more fascinated I became with it.  I was totally in to it.

And let me quickly get to the point of all this - before this turns into a 6 part "Im No Superwoman" series.

Here is the deal.  I never considered myself a good candidate for a no-med labor - and I'm writing about this, at all, because if I could inspire even just one person to rethink their own labor, that would be so cool.

I am the wuss of all wusses.  Captain of the weak.  I never enjoy the journey - I just want to get to the destination.  And here I was facing the greatest physical feat of my life.  I was scared shitless of how a person was going to come out of my body.  Before I got pregnant I had a conversation with my then gynecologist that went something like this:

"I just want you to know, that I am really a wuss, and I am going to want pain relief as soon as I get to the hospital.  OKAY?"

to which he replied

"No need to worry, we can arrange that."

Simple as that.  But then I never got pregnant...he wanted to start Clomid and I went a whole other route.  I started going to a Chinese Medicine practitioner - took gobs of herbs and had acupuncture weekly.  I was already getting a little 'zen'.  I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and I was hooked.  The second time - not the first.  The first read was laughable.  The second time around I started thinking maybe there is something to this.

I never thought I needed to be 'empowered'.  That was not a very compelling argument for me.  But HOLY SHIT PEOPLE listen to me when I tell you how fucking EMPOWERING it is to feel every bit of your labor and a child come out of your body.  Let me tell you about THAT kind of ADRENALIN.  Let me tell you that there is in fact no greater high in the world than the one I felt lying in that hospital bed with half my junk hanging out of my whoha gazing at the child that had just been separated from me. 

Hoooooo-leeeeeeee - CRAP.

And I will tell you something.  I was completely stunned. Those first 24hours.  I was so overcome by emotion - and some of that was a sense of 'why the hell did i just do that?', 'that was for CRAZY PEOPLE!!!', 'who in their right mind...'.  It was terrifying.  It was, in that moment, the worst god awful pain of my life.  It was horrific.  And I was slightly pissed at myself for having chosen that path, because I wasn't left with this great pride and awesomeness that I thought I would have at the end of it.  I mean the baby was great...but the going natural shit felt nutso.  I didn't - immediately - get what all the hype was about.  I felt cheated.  I felt STUPID.  I thought there was no way in hell I'd ever do that again.  We would adopt next time around.

Until now.  Having Oban that way - and reliving those 14hours - is the single most awesome'est accomplishment of my life.  I survived.  My body did it.  I did it.  I am so proud of myself and that new sense of ME - is priceless.  I never had anything like that before.  I never worked so hard for anything before.  I never committed myself to anything the way I did to having a natural birth experience.  I friggin rocked it.  I was empowered - and when you emerge from something like that...you can't help but want to share that journey with the world. 

So anyway, from one wuss to another - here is my advice to you:

READ!  Read about what your body was CREATED to DO.  Learn about how it works.  Knowledge is power.  The more you understand about the mechanics, you will begin to appreciate how FRIGGIN AWESOME and amazing it all is. 

Align yourself with people who believe that your body can deliver your baby without help.  This means finding a MIDWIFE.  Someone who isn't paid to send you to the O.R. 

Get a birthing coach - DOULA.  They are worth their weight in gold. 

And finally - the single most important thing I did to ensure that I would not be tempted to ask for drugs (and believe me I had no qualms with being 'open' to an epidural if I really really wanted one) - was to stay at home for as long as I could possibly stand it.  Because you know what?  YOU WILL WANT AN EPIDURAL.  There is no maybe you will want pain relief.  And I knew that before I ever felt my first labor contraction.  So I stayed at home till I was puking and unable to talk - and arrived at the hospital at almost 8cm.  I can't tell you how satisfying it was to hear the nurse say "wow, you are 7-8cm!".  By the time you get to this stage of labor you are on another planet.  And for me, I could not be bothered on that planet to even THINK about asking for an epidural.  It was all I could do to BREATHE.  I was along for the ride at that point.  There was no turning back.

When  I  pushed him out - I have never felt so out of control in my life.  I screamed like a rabid beast.  I thought I would die before he would ever come out of me.  And when he finally did, okay yes - I felt SUPER HUMAN.  I felt indestructible.  I thought there was no pain or struggle or conflict in life that could ever touch me after that.  That feeling, combined with the amazing euphoria of seeing the life you have created emerge from your body - is something surreal.

Anyway.  The bottom line?

I believe in me.  I believe in my body.  I believe I have the strength and courage of 10,000 Spartans.  That is what Natural Birth gave to me.  IT IS AMAZING.  And just like the girl at the coffee shop who told me she didn't need to be a Superhero - I didn't think so either.  But boy did I ever need that experience.  It transformed me.  THE PROCESS.  All the preparation.  The execution.  The delivery. 

ANYONE can do it.  We are ALL very capable.  Even the Captain of the Wusses.

 

I'm No Superwoman - Part I

**Disclaimer:  I had a relatively 'text book' labor and delivery.  It was 14hrs roughly - and with no complications.  I believe there are cases where medical intervention for mother and child is absolutely necessary.  I am not here to tell you that every woman should be able to have a natural, un-medicated birth experience.  But it is my belief that MOST are.  Now,  wanting that experience is an entirely different thing.  And that is what I am going to talk about...

I think one of the greatest misconceptions people have about women who choose to have natural un-medicated births is this association with being some kind of narcissistic superhero.  The other day I was getting coffee at a local shop where the barista is a sweet young girl who is expecting her first child and due any day now.  I asked her if she had planned to do it drug-free - to which she laughed and replied "Oh no! I'm not trying to be some sort of super hero!". 

A few days ago while watching TLC's A Baby Story (this has become my new daytime reality.  sad.  but true) - a woman who had intentions of going 'natural' decided at about 3cm when the pain was becoming too intense that she was no longer interested in her original plan.  She asked her OB for the epidural and apologized to him (like he gave a shit).  He patted her on the leg and said, "No one has to be a hero here today."

And I will admit, even I had shared this attitude before I became pregnant.  I held the assumption that I would have an epidural because thats what people do.  Why anyone would choose NOT to have pain relief for what is heralded as one of the most painful experiences in a woman's life - was absolutely asinine to me.  You'd have to be a moron.  A glutton for punishment.  A narcissist.  A freak.  For the hippies! I'd say.  Not me. 

While I was taking all those chinese herbs and desperately trying to get pregnant that WHOLE YEAR (ack) - a co-worker of mine was studying to become a doula (my husband and I called these people 'doolers' - a spin off of the french word for PAIN) - if I didn't happen to really like this person, I'd have talked some shit behind her back about being a hippy.  Oh wait.  I talked shit to her face.  Her cubicle shelves were full of books about natural childbirth and while I talked shit I was also incredibly curious.  I'd thumb through the pages full of illustrations of YONI's and photographs of pelvic bones...and full on shots of crowning.  They totally freaked me out.  It was like all the missing manuals.  The rated R stuff.  The stuff left out of the What To Expect When You're Expecting! book.

Over the course of that year trying to get pregnant - I slowly read some of those books.  At first thinking they were exactly what I expected them to be - for the hippies.  The pioneers.  The kinds of people who would squat a 10 pounder in the forrest.  People who composte, and eat placenta.  I had a hard time seeing myself in their stories - and thinking I could do that whole getting in tune with the power of my body thing.  This coming from a person who struggles with even saying the word 'cervix', let alone getting acquainted with its characteristics.

It seemed like too great a stretch for me.  The impossible.  Like I would be a total poser even if I tried.  Until something clicked in those pages...and it changed me. 

I'm going to tell you about that.  In part two.  Later.