Finding Zen

Say Hello To My Little Friend

Dear Friends.

You are looking at a photograph of someones 'outtie' belly button I ripped off the net.  You are also observing the likeness of the hemorrhoid that is occupying my asshole right now.  WTF?  HELLO!

I got me a husband and a hemorrhoid the other day.  I seemed to have missed the memo about the potential dangers of lifting very heavy rocks for three days straight to build a rock wall that would accent the new barn for the wedding.

I woke up the day after the wedding thinking that Zack had ass-assaulted me on our wedding night...and I had just forgotten.  Upon denial of such acts, and further investigation of my ass...I discovered what resembles a lotus flower...a jelly belly...an ASS BLOSSOM if you will...on my bum.

Now.  There is just something about seeing your 'insides' OUT, that just isn't right.  Last night I joined my family and a few close friends (sister in law who has birthed two babies) and you wouldn't believe the look of awe on their faces as we had 'show and tell' in the bathroom...as no one, myself included, REALLY knew what a hemorrhoid looks like.

So.  I challenge you.  GOOGLE that shit.  And get to know the wrath of your ass...because they don't show you that crap in the Preparation H cream commercial...and now you will see why.  I am too young for this shit.

I can't even talk about wedding things yet.  Soon though.  Pardon me while I go sit on a fudge pop.

Love,

S 

Why. WHY?

I don't know how to break this news to you all.  I am pretty shaken up about it.  In fact.  Finance and I spent a good hour in bed last night mulling this over.  I'd post a picture, and I'm sure some of you will be surprised that I didn't.  But I left my camera at work.  So you get a pass this time.  Just this time.

But I have something that will do.  For the sake of comparison.

 

On May 22nd 2006, we delivered our dearest Marley to the vet for castration.  This was not my choice.  The one condition that my friend Kat would take Marley for the year while Finance and I travel the globe, was that he get his balls clipped.  I obliged.

Finance picked up Marley Bigalo Labrador Gigalo after his surgery and ran him back to the house to rest.  I came home after work to find my dog.  Marley.  With no bits to speak of, BUT, a very large, deflated, wrinkly, kibble.  Err.  Sack.  They left his bosack.  People.  You have no idea, what an eye sore this is.  It is wrong.  How do you rob a man of his jewels, and leave him with an empty deflated sack of what used to be his manliness. 

Did I get the discount procedure?  Did I miss the fine print?  I did ask for a good price.  Was this whole thing A LA CARTE?  Was there a bosack disposal fee that I didn't pay for?  Why.  WHY???  WHY???  This isn't right.  And I don't know how to call these people and ask them why when they took the balls, they left the scrotom?

It's like a big ass tag.  A wrinkly, hairy, mutant tag growing out of his ass.  Is it supposed to fall off??  Will Barty or Zoe find Marleys lifeless bosack on the floor one day and pick it up mistaking it for a toy.  Eagerly holding it in its mouth as a gift for whoever might be coming in the door?  And what about when he goes to lick his balls, and winds up with a mouth full of bosack flapping around in his mouth like bubble gum?  I will jump off a bridge.

So I ask you people of the internet.  Explain this to me.  And if you can't, then give me the words to call up my vet's office to ask for one.  Because.  I.  Stella McBarferson.  Am at loss for words.

Marley Bigilo, Labrador Gigilo

My dog is hot.  Like THE FEVER hot!  Something has come over him like I've never seen. He's like a different dog.  And, not to mention he has perfected the multitasking art of air humping while walking and licking cooter.  I mean, he has had his nose so far up Barty's ass for the last 5 days, it's ridiculous.  Last night Vern and I were sitting in the living room trying to knit and unwind from a days work.  There are three dogs at our feet.  Marley.  Zoe.  And their dog, Bartrum.  Let's have a look shall we.  Here is the pack.

Zoe Pitts

 

Marley Bigilo

and Barty Griffin

Zoe is in a corner somewhere trying to lay low, because she has been through this before once.  She knows better than to have her ass exposed.  But Barty.  Well now, Barty is just TOTALLY encouraging Marley's behavior.  She might as well be begging for it.  Because she walks around the house, her nubby little tail just flipping around Marleys nose and she'll straight up just lie down, roll on her back and relax her hips so she is spread wide open.  Easy access.  Marley dives in.  This dog has gotten more action in the last week that any of us in that house for the past year.  The both of them, are down right digusting.  There is constant licking, and snorting, and well...you all know how I feel about that sort of thing in GENERAL, you can imagine how my blood curdles when I discover the licking and snorting is of Marley eating Bartrum out.

Add to this Marley's air-humping with his GIGANTIC balls just banging around and up against whatever he is thrusting near...and we are talking one agressive, testosterone filled tension in a room.  We finally decided to put Marley downstairs because he is just out of control.  Won't rest is loins for one minute! We sat back down, and once that testosterone had been removed, it was AMAZING how much calmer everyone was.  We joked around that that 'last row' we'd had knit was pretty DAMN TIGHT.

I am convinced he knows Monday he's getting his nuts chopped.  He's got to know.  It's so bad, we may have to quarantine him for the next 5 days.

 

Mommy

This one time, my gay roomates took me to a gay strip club here in Atlanta called Swinging Richards.  Upon walking in the club I was bombarded with images of gay porn on supersized flat screened tv's in every corner of the room.  I wanted someone to hold me...hold me tight.  It took them about 20 mins of coaxing me away from the comforts of the front door and the fresh air of the outside on my back.  Cooling me down.  I almost cried.  By the end of the night and a few adult beverages I had managed to 'out' one of the supposed homosexuals in the back room.  AND YES BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN THE BACK ROOMS!!! It was very Sex In The City.  I was very Samantha.  And I had no qualms about making out with a gay stripper. 

I tell you this because there haven't been many times in my life where I have felt the urge to curl into fetal, in the bathtub with the shower on, while listening to The Smiths.  There was that one night when I had to tune out gay porn and swinging richards for an entire evening, and this morning.

Someone looking for information on 'how to stimulate a dogs anal region' has been directed to my blog.  And I want my mommy.   

Hand Me The Barf Bag

I am compelled to share with you a list of things that make me miserable.  The one thing that they all have in common is their ability to make me upchuck.  Here they are in no particular order.

1.   Having blood drawn.  The feeling of the needle coming out, slowly.  I can't watch.

2.   When they use those rubber bands to get your veins to come out when they are taking blood, and tie it too tight...and your arm gets really numb and then they start poking at your vein.  Over and over and over again.  Thumping it.  And you can feel it, kinda sorta...but not really, because of the numb thing.  That makes me want to puke. 

3.   The words 'Spinal Tap'.  The idea of a needle withdrawing SPINAL FLUID out of your back...just makes me weak.  Like vertigo weak.  Not like I know what vertigo feels like.

4.   An epidural.  This doesn't sound fun.

5.   When the gynecologist SWABS your cervix during a pap smear.  The feeling that something is being scraped, but you can't see it...but you can feel it...something about not being able to make the eye sensation connection...its like you imagine the cervix just suspended in the cavity of your being...and its being SWABBED for christ sakes!  What in the hell!

6.   When the gynecologist fondles your ovaries to check for cysts.  No thanks.

7.   Cleaning out or poking a finger in my belly button.  It might as well be the center of the universe in there, because when it is messed with, one could seriously bring me to my knees.

8.   Pulling on my toes.  Finance does this sometimes when I'm not paying attention and it really pisses me off.  The feeling of your joints in your fingers and toes being separated, omg.  It like pops.  Eww.  Gross.

9.   When someone strokes (pets) my back, leg, arm...anywhere really, over and over and over again, in the same place.  Makes me want to puke.

10.  My collar bone region.  I don't like for it to be touched either.  Makes me weak.

11.  The squiggly in the egg.  If I see that fucker anywhere near my cooked eggs...game over.

12.  Jameson whiskey.  I had a shot the day of my fathers funeral, and once when I was working at the bar last year.  Both times it came back up immediately after swallowing.  But I swallowed the regirge because I didn't want to look like a pansy.

13.  Sometimes sex.  Believe it or not.  Sometimes the sensation of sex feels similar to that whole finger in the belly button thing.  Something about numbness.  Not a fan.  When I used to get stoned...the minute my body parts would start to tingle, I'd wig out.  Totally wig.  Like put me in the loony bin wig.

14.  The Gravitron at the county fair.

15.  A really bad fart, will make me dry heave in a instant.  Like there have been a few times Finance has hot boxed me in bed and I'll just about puke. And he thinks it's hysterical. (omg.  I am such a lamo.  I meant to say DUTCH OVEN'ED...right?  Hot box is sharing your lefover pot smoke...right?  I ALWAYS SCREW THESE THINGS UP).  I don't know how I will ever clean up my kids vomit, or diarrhea because I have such a weak stomach.  The worst, is when Zoe eats Wysong.  Sometimes she gets into Barty's (Vern and Mr. Bucks dog) food.  That shit gives her the worst gas...it makes me angry if I smell a Wysong fart.  It's just not right.

16.  Having my blood pressure checked.  I HATE THAT thing.  I hate how I become acutely aware of my heart beating when they do that.  One time I did one of the ones they have in the grocery store, and once I realized that it had me like in a VICE GRIP and it wasn't gonna let go until it was good and ready...I got into a mild panic that it wasn't gonna release my arm and I'd just die of arm constriction.  Like a snake!  I about passed out.

17.  When they do a strep test and stick that long ass stick with the q-tip on it down your throat?  I burp out loud right in the nurses face EVERY TIME.  It's pretty offensive as a matter of fact.  You ever do that?  Like, burp gag?

18.  Having a catheter put in your piehole.  I mean...your peehole.  HOLY SHIT.  Had I known they were going to stick a tube up in those parts when I went in to the ER with PREMENSTRUAL CRAMPS, I'd have taken a Midol and kept my 'piehole' shut.

What makes you barfy?